Last week, drunken slobbard Amy Winehouse, was boo continuously at her concert in Belgrade.  She was so drunk that she mumbled her way through songs, stumbled, and dropped her mic.  The behavior of the crowd left me confused, admittedly.  Getting drunk and singing off-key is the favorite past time of damn near every Serb I know.  I would think that of all people, they, would be most able to appreciate that.  But I guess no one is buying tickets to here you singing with your Kum at Slava while drunk on homemade wine.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-13828023

Now, I have never watched her show, and only know of it because her name is on the guide while I’m looking for other things to watch on TV, but blonde nit-wit Chelsea Handler did a segment on her show about Winehouse and her and some gay guy took pot shots at Serbia.  I’m sure the they are both leading historians on the Balkan wars.

This well informed quip has launched a Facebook page boycott of Handler and the E! channel.

http://www.facebook.com/Boycott.E.and.ChelseaHandler

These two amazing displays of taste and class bring a tear to my eye.  To think, that this rag-tag group of up and coming A-listers has enough moxy to boo a drunken baffoon and boycott a no talent-basic cable-hack all in the same week?  Keep this up Serbia, and you’ll be sitting at the Oscars booing Michael Moore before you know it!

I believe in the long term joke.  My wife and her sisters and cousin all affectionately call each other krava.  My niece does not see them all that often, once maybe twice a year.  I told Brynn, “the next time you see Aunt Milena’s sisters, call them krava.  They will be impressed that you speak Serbian”.  Being the little smarty pants that she is….she will.

I crack myself up.

So far, this summer, I have not been to a single Serbian wedding and more shocked, I could not be.  My dance card this wedding season is filled with American weddings.  All my friends are deciding to “go pro” this year, so now, instead of suvo meso and Kilimanjaro sized piles of bread I am getting 50 guests and “wine and beer” bars.  It’s kind of like riding in coach next to the bathroom after flying first class on the Concord.

Being that I am not one to make promises, I won’t.  However, I VOW to write more this summer and re-engaged my blog and my readers.  Having said that, I will give you some of the highlights of my personal life and the Serbian life in the past months.

- I went to an engagement party that was worthy of the Greek-Serbo Orthodox showdown.  It was for my friend who is marrying a Greek.  Let’s just say it went like this;  Steaks, kebabs, chicken, grape leaf wrapped awesomeness, rivers of beer and wine, tents, rented tables and chairs and well over 100 people.  Sorry Serbs, the Greeks won that round.

- I started a new job three weeks ago.  Working nights doesn’t lend itself to being creative and wanting to write.

- Is there an infatuation with Ottawa, Illinois that I am not aware of?  In consecutive weeks there were two events that were planned there and I was invited to.  There is a watering hole there that is worth going to but that’s it.

- And to add on to that; is paintball for bachelor parties the thing now?  I’m out of the loop evidently.  I need to subscribe to whatever magazine is telling people to do these things.

- Why do old Serb men cheat at bacci balls?  This dude runs 20 yards past the line and drops his ball next to the marker and thinks he is awesome.

- At a picnic for my Kumovi last week my Kum said, ” Serb man is only afraid of two things, God and wife!  That’s it!”  Truer words were never spoken.

- My neighbor Jeremy is a weak-sauce cry baby that can’t hang anymore!!

“My name is Ariel Zellman and I am a Ph.D. student in the Department of Political Science at Northwestern University in Chicago. Much of my research centers around the politics of identity and territory in the Balkans, particularly Serbia. I post much of my research on the Balkans on my personal research blog at http://arielzellman.wordpress.com.

At present, I am running an online research survey (in Serbian) which examines the impact of different kinds of political speech on people’s policy preferences. The survey is targeted at Serbs particularly in Serbia but can also include those in Montenegro, Bosnia, etc. You can find it at http://arielzellman.wordpress.com/anketa.

Unfortunately I have had a bit of a difficult time disseminating the survey beyond my immediate friends and colleagues… The work is purely academic, has no corresponding financial or political agenda…”

Check him out.

Sign at the gym

The picture to the left is of a sign on display at my gym that is trumpeting the “Men’s Spa Services” that they are offering.  Signs like this one can be spotted all over the main floor, advertising things like “Healthy Eating”, “Cancer Screening” and a 5K run.  This sign is positioned in a good spot for the target audience, men, to see it.  It’s right outside the locker room and next to the aerobics studio that EVERY guy takes a look inside of when there is a class full of ladies working out in there.  What you can’t see due to my shoddy camera phone are the special services highlighted on the sign:

Business manicure

Sports pedicure

Please.  Give us guys a little bit more credit than that.  A manicure is a pedicure is a manicure and a pedicure.  Is a sports pedicure guaranteed to make me run faster and jump higher?  Will it lower my time in the 40 at the NFL scouting combine?  Putting a picture of 1970′s Arnold holding an emery board and toe nail clippers might be more effective than placing a couple of adjectives in front.  The type of guys that are going for these services probably already do it and don’t need them to be manned up in order to go into the spa and say “I want a manny and a peddy, get me a beer and put the game on while you do it.”

http://lafemmet.blogspot.com/

“Cheech is like Mussolini!”

Plenty of breaks for smoke and drink were had make no mistake, but it was on Cheech’s schedule, not ours.  He is the elder statesman after all.  He mostly stood there and told us what we were doing wrong, in the grand Serbian tradition.

The recipe we used was not anything complex;

25 lbs. of ground pork, paprika, salt, sugar, crushed red pepper, black pepper, and fresh garlic.

It was all done to taste and nothing was measured.  We just dumped in what we thought was enough, fried up a sample, ate it and added more of whatever.

Various meats hanging in the smokehouse.

     The origins of Valentine’s Day is a mystery to most and, like any good holiday or tradition there is debate as when it was started and why.  Saint Valentine is thought to be a third century priest that lived in Rome during the rule of Claudius II.  Claudius felt that unmarried soldiers made the best ones so he outlawed marriage for them, St. Valentine did marriages for them anyway.  The second theory is that St. Valentine was jailed and sent the first valentine to his jailers daughter who visited him.  The third theory is that he helped Christians escape jail and tortures in Rome.   It would seem that our modern Valentine’s Day traditions stem from 17th century Britain when people first began to send cards and gifts to one another.

    How did we go from a single priest standing up to the Romans to red and pink heart-shaped boxes and over priced flowers?  At one point or another we are all guilty falling into the trap that is Valentine’s Day.   When a guy first ventures out into the world of dating and women his father pulls him aside and offers up some pearls of wisdom;  Be a gentleman, don’t swear on a first date, ask her a lot of questions, wear clean underwear because you never know  and all women love Valentine’s Day.   Armed with this information we all blindly wander out to meet destiny. 

     My wife, Milena, who is Serbian, HATES Valentine’s Day.  She wants nothing to do with it in any way, like a fat kid and a carrot stick.  When we first started dating she told me this and I thought she was telling me that because she thought that’s what I wanted to hear.   She also told me that she would never get married, “It’s so stupid”.  I told her no problem and warned her that this is where she is setting the bar and that’s how it will be as long as we are together.  And, she was fine with it.  She went on to warn me that there was to be no flowers or gifts sent to work for her, ever.  The squeals of delight and constant aroma of roses drifting past  in the office every February 14th annoy to no end.  How could anyone be expected to work in such conditions?!  So that is how it has been for the 6 years that we have been together; no gifts, no candy, no cards.  The day passes like any other.

     Last year though?  I decided to test the waters, I got brave.  In my mind I started to talk myself into it, Valentine’s Day. 

     “Maybe things have changed, maybe she really wants something now.  After all we are married now right?  I bet she is regretting saying that when she did.  I bet she wishes she got something this year.  All women want a little romance on Valentine’s Day”.

     So I started putting away a little cash in my drawer, a couple bucks here and there.  There was no other choice than to do it this way, she is fanatical when it comes to our finances and accounts.  She would know within 10 minutes if I had bought something.  I went to a local jeweler and picked out a bracelet for her, it wasn’t anything too over the top or expensive, just a little something for my lady.  I waited for her to get home that day and had dinner ready and the gift.   Her response was not quite what I had expected.  She looked at the bracelet, then me and commented that she “wears a watch, how can I wear this too”?

      The next day I took it back.  I wasn’t crushed by her reaction, more surprised.  Surprised that I was wrong and surprised at her consistency.  She really meant what she said, it was no joke.

     The question I pose is:  Are all women of Serbian descent like this, do they truly not care about Valentine’s Day?  Do they recognize this holiday in Serbia?  Or have I just hit the jack-pot and been excused from this holiday for the rest of my life?

They have stories on politics, sports, things similar to mine and forums.  It’s pretty sweet.

 I’m hoping to spread the truth!  Truth on the Serbs baby!!  Imma take my message of awesome world-wide ya’ll.  Anyway, check it out.

http://www.usaserbs.net/

I arrived at my friend Slobi’s house around 3, plenty of time to get the pre-game going.  This being my first Serbian Super Bowl experience I was curious as to what the day would hold but I was optimistic that it would be fun and amusing, and I was not disappointed.  There were about 12 people in attendance and all were Serbs with the exception of 1 other American who is the boyfriend to Slobi’s daughter and also a Packer fan.  The boyfriend was not drinking in the early going, he wanted to stay fresh for the game, and that was not let to rest for very long.  Slobi kept offering him something, anything, to drink.  He eventually relented.  The boyfriend has been around long enough to know that he better take something or he wasn’t going to get any peace.  So, on we went,  having a few drinks, a few laughs and watching the soccer game that was on.  Don’t ask me who was playing, it couldn’t have been a high school game for all I care.

About 20 minutes before kick off is when things got tense.  An in-law of Slobi’s started to question his TV and why the picture was so crappy.  I am paraphrasing but the conversation went something like;

“Don’t you have HD?”

“Of course I do, it’s on the HD channel that’s just how it is.  My TV is 5 years old.  Look.”

“That can’t be HD look at it. ”

Flipping the guide on Slobi says “Look, see?  HD, there it is.”

“You don’t have the right kind of cable for it then, you need a HDMI cable.”

“Well I don’t have one, this is all they gave me when they hooked it up.”

At this point Slobi’s 21-year-old son got in the mix and started looking for a cable in the desk.  I looked over at the boyfriend at this point with a mammoth grin on my face.  He was slowly rocking back and forth, worrying that he might miss kick off, (Packer fan remember) but he was holding it together.  The son finds the HDMI cable and starts unhooking the cable box from the TV, he turns off the TV and then there is nothing.  The boyfriend looks at me again and audibly says,

“Bar?  We can be there in 10 minutes.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at him and the whole situation.

They get the cable in, hook it all up and presto!  HDTV in all it’s glory. 

We watched the first half of the game while pounding down Becks, homemade vino and homemade rakija.  Slobi’s wife then brought out quite a spread:  soup, cevapcici, burek, salata, shrimps, suva meso (smoked pork loin) tomatoes and cheese and of course bread, although they looked more like baguettes to me.  We all feasted on treats while watching the half time show.  Normally I don’t pay much attention to the show because greatest hits meddlies from washed up acts don’t make me tingle but I happened to look up about the time that Usher made the stage.  Slobi did too and he was not too happy about Usher’s wardrobe choice, the baggy pants were too much for him too bear, stabbing his plastic fork towards the TV he proclaimed,

“This is why America needs a dictator for about 10 years!”

That little gem right there was enough reason for me to go back next year!  I love my adopted people, they never let you go home hungry or sober and they always keep you laughing.

Ziveli!!