I have been going to the gym quite a lot the last few months.  Daddy is ripped!!  Watch out.   I go to a nice, new, state of the art gym that has an indoor pool, tennis courts, racquetball courts and the whole shebang.  because they have so much to offer so many people there is a diverse group of people who go there; men and women of all ages, up to and including 80 years old.  And, now that the temperatures in the Midwest are dropping gym membership is picking up and that means that there a lot of newbies that are in looooove with the idea of going to the gym…..for one month.  We all have to endure this nonsense until roughly February when they all forget about their New Years resolutions and get back on the couch. 

    It would seem to me that there is some sort of generation gap at the gym, especially in the locker room.  In the mens locker room the old timers have no issue walking around in all their wrinkled glory.  There has not been a day passed that I haven’t seen an old flabby butt in that locker room. Personally I don’t even take off my shirt in the locker room, I wear what I am going to work out in and that’s what I leave in, I drop my jacket in a locker and I’m out.  Most of the guys my age and younger do the same, there is no lingering in the locker room.  Anyone over 60 however acts as if they are at home in the locker room.  Last week there was two guys pushing 70 having a naked conversation right next to my locker.  It was horrible, two grey bushes just yapping away as if  they were at a geriatric nudist colony.   I don’t know how it is in the ladies locker room for that is the Shangri-La that all men dream of beginning at age 12, and no it doesn’t go away.  It’s nothing but naked tickle fights in the shower right?  Nothing gross ever happens in there, right? 😉

    This brings me to my story.  Yesterday I finished my work out, it was shoulders day, so I was feeling like Ahhnold walking back to my locker.  I open it up and grab my sweatshirt and protein powder (don’t want to lose the workout you know).  I turn and walk towards the bathroom/shower area to get some water and drink that thing down.  On my way in there is an old man  (70 plus) coming out of the shower, he has a towel in his hand and not wrapped around his waist, and why would he have it around his waist??  I come around the corner just in time to lock eyes with him as he is drying his old man garbage while walking straight at me.  The blind corner traps you into looking at things you don’t want to, and no matter how fast you try to adjust your gaze, it’s already too late, the image is forever burned into your memory.  I should just stare at the ceiling while in the locker room.

   The sinks all have mirrors in front of them, of course.  The sink and mirror I was standing in front of was at the end of the line and it forced me to have my back to the locker area where my buddy was now standing drying off.  I figured this was a safe play, no more awkward accidental peeping right?  Right about the time I was congratulating myself I finished filling my bottle with water and closed the lid.  I looked up from what I was doing, straight into the mirror, just in time to see the old man behind me drop his towel, bend over to pick it up, and then I got to see his old shriveled man pouch swinging between his legs.  In perfect profile.  He looked like a damn trail horse in full gallop, nuts slapping the whole way.  This whole scene lasted 2 seconds, if that.  It was the blink of an eye, snap of the fingers.  As fast as it was, that image will be with me forever.

You people take this story to heart.  Geriatric nudity is very real and very frightening.  You could be ambushed next.


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