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On my way home last night I get a text from the wife saying “call me when you are in the car, funny story”, so I give her a call to find out what was up. 

“It’s a better story to be told in person, I need to use some gestures”, she said.  “I’ll wait until you get home”.

Ok, so I hang up and drive home.  When I walk in the house the wife has a huge smile on her face.  That confused the hell out of me right from the start.  Typically when she walks in the house or visa/versa there is no talking, no smiling, no nothing, it’s as if the start of every post-work evening is a root canal at a funeral, followed by a kick in the pills.

Still smiling she says, “guess what happened?”

“You were able to return something to the store you normally couldn’t”, was my reply.  Usually that would have been dead on.  Most female Serbs love trying to return things to the store after one use, or no uses at all.  It’s a competition they all have with retailers that I refuse to take part in, I sit in the car when she is returning things.  She has a girlfriend that has successfully returned software.  Unheard of!!

“So I”m at Wal-Mart getting some stuff; lunch meat, cat food, cat litter and whatever.  I got my cart and I’m looking for a spot to check out and I get in line where there’s this old dude, he had to be at least 70, he really looked old and he was kind of shaking, I think his name was Sid or something.”

At this point I’m wondering what the hell is so funny.  She continues…..

“He starts ringing up my stuff right? The meat, I threw the bag of cat food on the belt, but only one of the cat litters, I had three.  I just didn’t feel like lifting all of them because they are heavy, so I told my man Sid that I had three.”

I’m surprised she told him she had three.  That’s her other favorite game, leaving stuff on the bottom of the cart just to see if the checker will look.

“So while he was ringing up my stuff he keeps leaning forward, looking down and asking “3? you got 3 right?”  Yes I have 3 I told him.  He rang up something else and kind of shakily leaned forward again to look.  I didn’t know what he was doing, double checking or something, I thought he might fall over.  But he did it again, kind of leaned in a little bit like he was looking down to the floor or whatever.  He finished up and took one more look down towards the floor and told me thanks and good night.”

All the while she is smiling telling me this story and I’m just waiting for the punch line.

“As I’m walking away pushing the cart I was getting ready to walk outside and looked down and realized that my coat was still open and then it hit me….”

And then, she grabbed both of her boobs and hiked them up to the sky and squealed….

“HE WAS LOOKING AT MY TATA’S!!  And he only charged me for on box of cat litter!  What’s up Sid?!?!  He’s my man, I’m looking for him every time I go there now!!”

The disclaimer that I have to share is that she was still in her work clothes and she is an accountant, so don’t think that she is some skanked up skeezer that wears trashy low-cut tops to the store.  There was just the smallest hint of curvature and separation.  Tasteful. =)  As soon she was done with her story she exclaimed,

 “Now I can change out of my work clothes, I just had to show you so you got the full effect.”

That’s my baby.  She was in the best mood all night long.  Scoped out by a geriatric cashier and free cat litter on top of it.

The lesson to be learned is that if you are in Wal-Mart look for the oldest male cashier get in his line and show some skin.  He might just pick up your whole tab.

Not the wife!!

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6 thoughts on “Lessons from Wal-Mart

  1. That’s what I’m talking about. I’m looking at a car right now. Can I borrow your wife while I go and close on the deal? She might be able to save me a few thousand.

  2. When a thumbnail like this pops in a google reader, one just must drop by!

    You see, she’s even improving promaja’s ratings! 🙂

    btw, you should think big, my boy! Would she consider real estate?

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