As a kid I was a fan of the game show “Family Feud” and it’s make-out king host Ricard Dawson.  Never did one man get more action from more random women in the history of television, he was a legend.  He was permitted to kiss any and all women he desired on his set while husbands and sons sat by smiling, cheering him on.  Nicely done sir. However my admiration for this swordsman is not the topic here, but his show that still lives on is.

Recently Milena got an email from her older sister saying that Family Feud is having a casting call in Chicago on March 10 & 11 and they are considering going to try out.  Actually she said,

“We should do this.”

Milena forwarded it to me and asked if I was interested in going with and trying out with them. Now, as most men do, over the years I have developed a survival instinct that, when dealing with my wife and in-laws, keeps me out of danger and safe. At this point my instinct was telling me to turn and run without saying a word.  I politely declined the offer and suggested that she do it with her mother, two sisters and cousin.  The later response was that she was, in fact, interested in doing it.  After the e-mail exchange had ended, and I had a moment or two to think about what I had suggested, an uncontrollable smile spread across my face.  I was sitting at my desk at work staring at nothing, smiling and fantasizing about them on Family Feud. The prospect of the five of them, five Serbian women, five Serbian women with little to no sense of humor answering questions from a smiling joke cracking game show host, Steve Harvey by the way, left my head spinning.

My day-dream developed into one tiny little yet vivid snap shot of Serbian Family Feud.  The team would be headed by their mother, Zorica, of course.  The top dog, the big cheese, no one messes with tetka Z.  She is a stern woman who rules with an iron fist in a velvet glove.  When a question would be asked by the host, the team would huddle, come up with an answer they all agree on (which is no small feat) and Zorica would unilaterally say whatever she wanted, completely dismissing the other team members.  When this incorrect answer would be given and everyone would protest, the oldest sister would back up her mother and her poor decision. Without question.  The eldest sister Mir, is being groomed to take over the throne, and the alliance between her and Zorica is as strong as Serbian brandy.  Meanwhile Milena, my wife and middle child suffering from a touch of Jan Brady syndrome, would sulk on the sideline shouting,

“I’m always wrong RIGHT?! That’s it isn’t it?  Stupid Milena doesn’t know anything!”

At which point the youngest sister, Maria, ever the voice of reason, would try to make some kind of peace amongst the fighting clan and soothe hurt feelings by snapping,

“JESUS! Just stop it okay? Gawd!”

All the while sweet cousin Vesna stands at the end of the podium giggling, smiling.  In a high-pitched baby-doll like squeal she would deliver her catch phrase,

“You’re all stupids.  Just little babies!”

When told by the host that her answer is wrong Z would ask,

“How could this be? Everyone knows that it is this way?”

While slowly shrugging her shoulders and scanning her head from side to side across the audience seeking approval and support.  Eventually the audience would turn on the family when they realise that every answer given has something to do with Nikola Tesla, in some way. This would be done in the same manner as Gus, from My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that ties every word in every language back to ancient Greek.  This would be done beacuse,

“Every one knows that Nikola Tesla is the greatest living Serb and the true inventor of electricity, not that fraud and charlatan Thomas Edison. Tesla has been robbed by the American history books and is only known in this country because of an 80’s rock band that illegally is using his name.  And, AND, they did an unplugged album, Five Man Acoustical Jam!!  They chose not to use the electricity that their namesake invented in their guitars, the final insult.”

But, if this team of all-stars were not able to work Tesla into the answer, the fall back would be Novak Djokovic, currently one of the top tennis players in the world and in the conversation for “Greatest Serb Ever”.

When nothing seems to be working in this game and all else has failed, the final tactic of the team would be bribery.  They would attempt to sway the host with suvo meso, rakija and pickled cabbage.  All home-made of course and “way better for you than that crap in the store.  You don’t know where it came from!”

My hope is that they follow through with the Feud audition and by some grace of God make it onto the show.  I will most certainly be front row live blogging the whole thing while tears of laughter cascade down my face.  I’m sure that I will find myself in trouble over this short story because no names were changed to protect the perpetrators innocent.  But I love my day-dreams and fantasies and the people I write about.  It is all in fun and tongue in cheek.


6 thoughts on “Survey says…..

  1. “five Serbian women with little to no sense of humor” – BOGUS … You know we are all very very very funny in our own ways. Like mom … “So stupid” Like Mir … “Shut the fuck up” Like Milena … “I haven’t showered in days” Like ME … “I’m fucking awesome”. You can’t tell me that shit ain’t funny.

  2. Dude, Djokovic might be one of the top Serbs in the world – but as for tennis, there’s only one #1, and he’s it – not one of the best, but THE best!!

    I think you should agree to go on the audition with them to play the straight man and feed lines to them.

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