Chilling news came out of the UK yesterday. A pork industry trade group predicted “a world shortage of pork and bacon next year is now unavoidable.” They are blaming drought conditions and the subsequent rise in feed prices as the main reason.
While this is disastrous for the bacon gobblers in the UK, we here in the US are sitting on enormous bacon reserves. In U.S. warehouses, pork supply soared to a record last month, rising 31% to 580.8 million pounds at the end of August from a year earlier, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture.
Because of this shortage I predict that the U.S. will become the center of a global bacon black market. Prices may rise here in the future, but the price of everything has been going up year after year, and bacon still will cost less than it does in the UK and abroad. The street value of a pound of sow slab (street name) will start at $100 and go up from there depending on if it’s smoked, crusted with pepper, maple infused or thick cut. The most expensive will be the grass fed free range bacon, premium y’all. I’m already filling my freezers with the greasy, crispy cash…..pig that will make me the king of the BLT Syndicate. Makers of bacon doughnuts, bacon martinis, bacon toothpaste, bacon gum, bacon cheeseburgers will have to deal with the BLTS if they plan to survive.
When speaking of shortages one can never be too careful so security around my freezer will have to be porked up. Obviously I can’t go into specifics; the wrong people might be reading this but measures will be taken. Steel reinforced armor will replace my aluminum garage door, and all windows will be replaced with ballistic glass. The perimeter will be guarded by razor wire of course and out of work pig farmers with bad breath will be in the machine gun turrets. I’ve already said too much but a message had to be sent.
When 2013 hits don’t rush the grocery store in a panic when you need a bacon wrapped scallop, the BLTS will already be in control of all the sow slab on the streets.