Last week the fashion world was shaking its collective head when it was announced that Philadelphia was crowned the national champion of sweatpants for the second year in a row. The City of Brotherly Laziness purchased the most sweat items than any other city in the US. Hartford and Pittsburgh rounded out the top three. When reached for comment Pittsburgh vowed that “next year those cheese steak chompin’ d-bags aint winnin’ nuthin.”
With this win Philly is now headed to the World Cup of sweatpants where they will hope to compete with 11-time European and World champion Serbia. Serbia recently crushed the number 2 ranked Russians to advance to the finals. For many years Serbia has dominated the ranks of sweatpants wearing countries. So crazy are the Serbs for sweatpants that they can be seen wearing them in sub-zero temperatures, while moving furniture in the rain, at church and while making rakija and sausages. Long time sweatpants king Slobodan Dardic commented “What else I am going to wear? Addidas make best pants in world.”
The US team likes their chances against the Serbs but most observers feel that it won’t be close. There is still a stigma attached with wearing sweatpants in the US that died in Serbia decades ago and contributes to their continued dominance. John Fetto, a researcher for Experian Marketing illustrated this when he tried to justify wearing sweats all the time. “There’s no shame in wearing sweats. I don’t think. I think there are probably plenty of fashionable sweat options that are out there.”
Aging athletes and slobs all over the world will be watching the contest closely, but in the end they will all be bowing for the 12th time to the once and future Kings of Sweats.
All hail Serbia!